Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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