Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
