shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
