I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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