I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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