Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
