Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
