Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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