I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
