Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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