Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
