I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
