Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
