Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
