im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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