fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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