My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
