omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
