so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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