Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
