I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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