Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
