Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
