i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
