so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
