i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Randomize
