I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
