No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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