my vag is so smooth its legendary
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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