life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
