I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
