woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
