Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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