i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
