he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
