I think scott just propositioned me for sex
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We need to get me chipped asap
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
