i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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