My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I woke up under a house in Key West
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
