I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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