You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
