I am midnight drunk by noon
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
