He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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