So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Randomize
