Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
