Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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