guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
