Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
