I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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