Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
