at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
